


The Nineteenth

by Ketsui_Meraki



Series: Uchiha Fun!Verse (Oneshots) [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Itachi, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Kakashi is Married to Icha Icha, Melodramatic Uchihas, Misunderstandings, Sasuke and Fugaku don't have a good relationship, Sasuke and Mikoto do, Sasuke in the Kitchen, Sweet, alive uchihas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 10:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12792207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ketsui_Meraki/pseuds/Ketsui_Meraki
Summary: Naruto's convinced that Sasuke's committed a murder, but Sakura's not so sure. What is Sasuke up to, anyway, and what does Itachi have to do with it?





	The Nineteenth

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

**~~Mother Knows Best~~**

"Kaa-san, I need your help," Sasuke said seriously. His eyes were solemn, and every inch of his body was tense, as if ready for battle. "Today is the most important day of the year."

Mikoto smiled gently at her child. "Of course, Sasuke. What do you need?"

"Firstly, I need you to sign this form. It is of vital importance," Sasuke announced, solemnly sliding a piece of paper over to his mother.

His mother's eyes skimmed over the paper before she nodded. "Okay, I understand," she murmured before signing her name with a flourish. She handed the paper to Sasuke, then laid a hand on his shoulder. "You go with my blessings, my beloved child. May the gods watch over you in your endeavors."

"Thank you," Sasuke said politely with an incline of his head, then stood up.

"By the way," Mikoto added with a smile before Sasuke could step out. "I have it on good authority that Itachi will be back tonight at eight."

Sasuke looked at her in surprise, and his eyes softened, a genuine smile crossing his lips. "Thank you," he repeated gently, sincerely, then stepped out, his back straight. His eyes shone with determination.

 _I will not fail,_ he vowed, fists clenching.  _Not in this task._

**~~The Husband Plots Revenge~~**

"I trust there won't be a problem?" Sasuke asked him expectantly.

Kakashi just gave the boy a flat, unimpressed stare.  _Why did I have to get stuck with the crazy ones?_ He lamented. Was this his punishment for failing so many teams in a row? Damn it, he should have just failed this team too! "Sasuke," he tried to explain, "This is ridiculous, I can't sign this!"

"That's okay," Sasuke said simply.

"I told you, I can't–" Kakashi blinked. "Wait, what?"

"It's fine, Kakashi. You don't have to sign it if you don't want to," Sasuke said calmly, reaching for the form. "I mean, of course, I'll be so distraught over it that I'll end up buying Icha Icha's publishing house and permanently ending the series, but once I do that, there won't be any further problems with me."

It was only years of experience that kept Kakashi from falling to his knees. As it was, a strangled noise still escaped him.

Sasuke looked at him in concern. "Are you alright, Kakashi? Is your age finally matching your hair?"

Uchihas, Kakashi decided, were the absolute worst to deal with. Threatening to murder his waifu if he didn't sign the form, such typical melodrama for an Uchiha. And yeah, he also knew perfectly well that Sasuke would deliver on his threat. All Uchihas did, which was something one quickly learned when dealing with them. But was adding a crack about him getting old just to rub salt in the would really necessary?

"Just give me the paper," Kakashi finally replied, resigned. Honestly, Sasuke just had ruin this beautiful summer June morning with something like this, didn't he?

Sasuke looked at him doubtfully. "Are you sure? I mean, sure, I'll be upset, but I'll get over it after I burn all the Icha Icha in the village as stress relief so–"

Kakashi snatched the paper out of Sasuke's hands, and hastily signed his name with a flourish. He then shoved it back at Sasuke. "You have what you want, now leave. Never darken my doorstep again, you miserable child."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "It's just for a day, Kakashi. And we're in a training field. Stop being so melodramatic."

Kakashi gave him a disbelieving look.  _I'm not the one threatening to take over a company and erase a series from existence over such a small thing!_ He would've said it to Sasuke's face too, but the brat had run away as soon as he got the paper. At least his precious waifu, the Icha Icha series, was safe now.

"Kakashi-sensei, where did the bastard go? Isn't he gonna train and do missions with us today?" Naruto asked approaching him soon after.

"That's...surprisingly a good question, Naruto. Where is Sasuke-kun, Kakashi-sensei? And was that a leave form?" Sakura piped up.

Kakashi paused, then smirked evilly under his mask. Sasuke probably didn't want anyone disturbing him today, which meant that Kakashi had the opportunity for a little revenge. "Correct, Sakura-chan. Sasuke is on leave today. And since we're one team member short today, why don't you two take the day off too?"

"Eh, really?! Sweet," Naruto exclaimed excitedly. "I'll finally have the time to sample ramen from all over Konaha in one day!"

Sakura though, frowned. "But sensei, what about Sasuke-kun? Why is he on leave?"

"Well, my cute little genin, I'm not at liberty to say," Kakashi said casually.

"Eh?! Why?" Sakura demanded eyes worried. Even Naruto looked curious now.

Kakashi gave a little hum, dragging out the suspense. "Well, I don't think Sasuke would want you to know."

Naruto bristled at that, just as Kakashi expected. Tell the boy his rival didn't want him to do something, and he would go and do it.

"Now, I'll be leaving you guys. Have fun," Kakashi said lazily, slowly lumbering away. Inside, he was cackling.

Behind him, he heard Naruto say, " Ya'know, this is really suspicious… maybe we should investigate…"

_Mwahahaha! This is what you get for threatening my waifu, Sasuke!_

**~~A Prankster is Traumatized~~**

Sasuke? The workaholic, taking a day off? Naruto refused to believe it. This was way too suspicious. So there was only one thing for Naruto to do: investigate! So that's what Naruto did. He sneakily snuck into the Uchiha district (he actually just entered through the front gate), and tracked down Sasuke's house (he asked this nice old woman who made the best dumplings) and pinpointed Sasuke's location in the house (he heard Sasuke's voice through an open window) and now, he was crouched under the window through which he could indirectly observe Sasuke.

...But, though he could hear Sasuke quite clearly, Naruto was a bit cautious about actually looking. Mostly because what he could hear was downright disturbing.

"Break, my pretties, break. Break into two split halves, and bathe the flower in thy perfection!" Sasuke chanted, and his words were followed by a sharp crack and punctuated by an evil chuckle.

Naruto gulped. What was Sasuke doing? Was it some sort of dark witchcraft? What if Sasuke was secretly a witch and needed a day off when the planets aligned and stars were in position when the waxing moon would become full and it was twelve days to the summer equinox to do some sort of voodoo magic? Naruto wouldn't put it past him. Alright, Naruto resolved, raising his head, he would just take a little peak–

THUD.

THUD.

THUD.

SCREECH.

"Hehehehehe! Thought you could stop me from slicing into you with your coldness did you? Hah! Take that, fucker! I'll pound you until you fucking melt!" Sasuke's manic voice reached him.

His head sunk before he could see.  _Were those knife sounds? What– or who– the hell is Sasuke cutting?_ God, what if Sasuke was cutting up the voodoo doll, and Naruto would be feeling his limbs coming off any moment now? Panicking, he quickly checked himself, only calming when he realized he still had all of his limbs. Phew. Alright, he would check for sure this time–

SCREEEEECCCCHHHH.

An unholy scream resounded from the room, reaching into Naruto's very bones. The boy blanched, clutching his arms.  _What was Sasuke doing?!_ The sound resembled the angry roaring of a beast, a whirring sound that reached a crescendo and then dropped. The scream didn't even sound human! Sasuke's snarling curses added to it, blending both sounds into a horrific medley of noises.

"Okay, I have to check this time for sure," Naruto said resolutely as the noise died down. "It's not like Sasuke's murdering anyone." He raised his head, but then the screaming started up again, and something splattered across his face.

Hesitantly, Naruto raised his hand to his face and brought it away. He froze –his hand was stained crimson.

Naruto screamed.

**~~The Fangirl Knows~~**

Sakura liked to consider herself much more sensible than Naruto. Thus, when Naruto proposed his 'super awesome plan to sneak in and discover all of Sasuke's deepest, darkest secrets' she didn't agree with him. Instead, she hatched her own plan.

She bought a basket of cookies, planning on giving them to Sasuke's mother as an excuse for showing up unannounced. Then she would invite her way to Sasuke's side, and comfort him in his time of need, after which he would confide in her all his deepest, darkest secrets, and then she would become his girlfriend. Yes, she nodded to herself as she happily skipped towards Sasuke's house. That was a good plan.

Of course, then her good mood was ruined by almost crashing into Naruto. She neatly side-stepped him, then raised an eyebrow at his state. "What's with you, Naruto?" she asked in exasperation.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto wailed, trying to glomp her. Sakura resolutely avoided him– there was no way she was getting her dress messed up.

"Kindly stay two feet away from me," Sakura politely informed him.

Naruto blubbered. "But Sakura-chan! I think the bastards into dark magic or something it was so creepy. He might've even murdered someone, what are we gonna do?! If I can find it out so easily, then anyone can, so then Sasuke's gonna get taken away to T&I and then what?! We have to cover it up somehow, Sakura-chan. Heeeelllpppp meeee!"

Sakura finally stilled and narrowed her eyes. "Is that blood?" she asked absently, then leaned forward to sniff it only to have Naruto move back. She twitched.

"What?!" Naruto asked defensively. "You told me to stay two feet away."

"You have two options, Naruto. Either imitate a statue right now, or get knocked out by my fist," Sakura threatened. Her teammate wisely stilled. "Good," Sakura said with satisfaction. She brushed a finger against the red liquid, then brought it up to smell.  _Ah,_ she thought, dropping her fingers.

"Naruto, you are such an idiot," Sakura muttered, a gleam in her eyes. "Just go home, take a shower, and rest. I know exactly how to deal with this, okay?"

"But it's not safe, what if he does voodoo on you?" her teammate fretted.

With a sigh, Sakura quickly made up a lie and delivered it in monotone, "I am of the Spring Family, Naruto. My family has dealt with witchcraft for generations, and repeated dealings has made me immune to all forms of offensive witchcraft cast, including voodoo. So you see, Naruto, I am perfectly safe, unlike you."

Naruto took the bait hook, line, and sinker. His eyes shone. "Really? That's so cool, Sakura-chan! Now I know I can leave it to you. See you later, Sakura-chan!"

"Thank god that's over," Sakura muttered.  _Now, if Sasuke is up to what I think he is,_ she thought grimly,  _I need to hurry._

She rushed to her crush's house, arriving quickly, and knocked impatiently on the door. She waited an entire five minutes, tapping her foot anxiously all the while, but no one opened it. Hesitantly, she finally tried the door herself, and was surprised to find it open. "Hello?" she called out uncertainly as she stuck her head in.

None of the lights were on, but there was an eerie humming sound coming from within. Somewhat resignedly, she followed the eerie humming noise to its source like she was in some sort of a horror movie. She peeked into the room the humming was coming from, and nearly gasped when she saw Sasuke there, in the middle of the wrecked room. With trembling fingers, she brought out her handy camera and snapped a picture of this rare sight.  _I always knew he would be a great boyfriend, but I only wish he was doing this for me!_

Then, she stepped inside and greeted steadily, "Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke glanced up from where he was working, then gave her a dismissive glance. "Hn. You're currently a bother, so leave."

Sakura clenched her hand and took a few steps closer to Sasuke. "Not until you tell me who this it for!" she demanded resolutely. "I have to know Sasuke-kun. Even if my heart will be torn in pieces, even as I weep rivers in my eternal sorrow, even as my mind shatters with the horror of knowing you'll never be mine, I must know for which woman it is that you labor so!"

Sasuke frowned at her. "There is no woman," he said shortly, "It's for my brother. Now leave, Sakura. I'm busy."

Sakura blinked, her eyes widening in realization. "Oh. I see. That makes sense. Do you want me to help?"

Glaring, Sasuke hissed, "Absolutely not."

Beaming, Sakura cooed, "That's so sweet! You want to do it all by yourself so that your brother can better appreciate it. Aww. I understand, Sasuke-kun. I won't bother you anymore." Saying such, Sakura happily skipped out after dropping off the cookies, satisfied in the knowledge that her precious Sasuke-kun was still single.

**~~The Police Head Is Not Paid to Deal With This~~**

Fugaku stepped into his house, hoping to relax after a long day at work. Being the head of the police was a difficult, tiresome task that often left him exhausted. Yawning, he headed towards the kitchen, hoping to get himself some tea so that he could better stay awake.

He stepped into the room, and blinked. There were splatters of every color on the ceiling, on the table, on the counter, on the walls, bloody fucking everywhere he looked. His youngest was in one corner of the room, furiously mixing something while muttering something about… pink almonds?

Fugaku shook his head and sighed.  _Why did I have to have a kid like this?_ He thought mournfully. And he couldn't even blame it on his wife's side of the family because they were from the same Clan, damn it.

"You're cleaning this up," Fugaku informed Sasuke.

"Yeah, well, you're not getting any of this," Sasuke retorted scathingly, not even looking up.

Offended, Fugaku didn't reply, instead swiftly moving to the fridge to get out his iced tea. After opening the fridge though, he blanched. His glorious iced tea was nowhere to be found, and instead he discovered that even the fridge was not spared from Sasuke's insanity. Swearing, he shut the door and demanded irritably, "Sasuke, where did you put my tea?"

"Hm? Oh, that. I put it out on the counter since I needed the space inside the fridge. Cold tea is for heathens, anyway," Sasuke replied airily.

Fugaku twitched, then gingerly made his way to the counter, avoiding the streaks of red and yellow on the floor, then stared. His beautiful bottle which held the tea was marred. Black streaks that looked like sludge covered it, and it was dusted with powdered white. He turned, then marched stonily out of the room.

Fuck it, he would just buy some tea from somewhere. He was paid to deal with Konohan law breaking, not deal with his children's sheer insanity.

**~~Brother Receives A Welcome Surprise~~**

Itachi had had a very tiring day. ANBU work was often quite troublesome after all, but he had at last finished his mission and now was looking forward to some nice time relaxing at home. He entered his house, leaving his shoes in front of the door, and meandered towards the kitchen, hoping to make himself a nice cup of tea. To his surprise, the kitchen lights were still on, and it was occupied by his adorable little brother.

"Nii-san! You're back!" Sasuke greeted him enthusiastically, glomping him enthusiastically.

"Otouto," Itachi greeted warmly, returning the hug. "Were you waiting for me?" He took a glance around the kitchen, noting its suspiciously gleaming surface, like there had been a huge mess and someone had furiously cleaned to get rid of it.

"Mm-hm," Sasuke nodded and then lead Itachi to a seat, in front of which was a slightly steaming cup of tea. "Here's your tea. Four sugar, no milk, 56 degrees Celsius."

Beaming, Itachi took his seat. Sasuke had memorized the way he took his tea, that was so sweet! "Thank you, Sasuke. I really appreciate it."

Sasuke beamed back at him, and then shyly added, "There's also something else."

Itachi tilted his head questioningly, and eyed the covered dish on the table.

"It's not much but," Sasuke spoke haltingly, and then uncovered the dish. Itachi's eye's widened and Sasuke gave him a gentle, sweet smile. On the plate lay a big cake, the sides of which were decorated with dango on the bottom and miniature candy and frosting in the middle, and the top of which was decorated with cut strawberries. The cake was a deep blue, but the frosting was a bright red, creating a nice contrast.

"It took me a couple tries to get it right– the prototypes are in the fridge– but I hope you like it," Sasuke continued shyly.

Itachi pulled his brother into a hug. "Like it? I love it, Sasuke. Thank you." Sometimes, his brother was just too cute.

Sasuke's smile widened and he said happily, "Happy nineteenth birthday, Nii-san."

 _Yes,_ Itachi thought, relaxing.  _Work can get exhausting sometimes, but as long as I have this smile to return to…_ Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead, earning him a startled laugh.  _I know everything will be okay._

 

 _Thank you_   _for everything_ _, Sasuke._

**Author's Note:**

> Hey~~ So of course I ended up writing a story about Itachi's birthday when it's nowhere near. *sweatdrops*
> 
> Also, um, sorry for not posting the Matchmakers extras yet. I'm working on it, I swear.
> 
> Anyway, I left a couple of hints as to the ending all over the story, so were they too obvious or were they not obvious enough? Please let me know what you think.
> 
> If you liked this story, consider leaving a comment, kudos, or bookmark ^_^


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